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Show Notes: Episode 8 – “Parenting 101: Partner Support”

June 19, 2018
The Road Home to You

This week Matt and Brandy dip their toes into the world of parenting. Topics discussed: supporting your spouse while you parent, modeling love and respect and the uniqueness of every child.

Listen to Episode 8 here!

This is a vast subject so today’s show only skims the surface. If you have more specific parenting issued you’d like us to discuss, please email us!

Due to technical difficulties, there is no transcript at this time. To view transcripts from previous episodes check out our Show Notes in the blog archives.

Also, we are looking for clever names for our new segment where we talk about all the things we love about road trips. If you have a great name for us, drop us a line!

Likewise, we want your road trip stories! Share your favorite or most memorable road trip, who your favorite traveling buddy is, where you like to go…whatever! You can e-mail us your (brief) stories to be featured on the show!

This week we talked about our favorite snacks. Here are some links:
//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=tf_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=roadhome-20&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B00OYPFC46&asins=B00OYPFC46&linkId=e4ce13284eef60a6566e31710a578663&show_border=false&link_opens_in_new_window=true&price_color=333333&title_color=0066c0&bg_color=ffffff“>Gummy Bears
//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=qf_sp_asin_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=roadhome-20&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B01LZNFYOU&asins=B01LZNFYOU&linkId=967b06c84d90564062eb25a9fbb98af7&show_border=false&link_opens_in_new_window=true&price_color=333333&title_color=0066c0&bg_color=ffffff“>Tillamook Beef Jerky
//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=qf_sp_asin_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=roadhome-20&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B01NALFQK9&asins=B01NALFQK9&linkId=b697e569320e2439176ec94460931ac0&show_border=false&link_opens_in_new_window=true&price_color=333333&title_color=0066c0&bg_color=ffffff“>Smartfood Popcorn
//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=qf_sp_asin_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=roadhome-20&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B00A6ZHJ1W&asins=B00A6ZHJ1W&linkId=8e24c204cf237bd0c8941f0eeca9294c&show_border=false&link_opens_in_new_window=true&price_color=333333&title_color=0066c0&bg_color=ffffff“>Peanut M&Ms
//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=qf_sp_asin_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=roadhome-20&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B0012QD8MS&asins=B0012QD8MS&linkId=d60dc736992c3cc5a8643816a7b66efe&show_border=false&link_opens_in_new_window=true&price_color=333333&title_color=0066c0&bg_color=ffffff“>Snapple Peach Tea
//ws-na.amazon-adsystem.com/widgets/q?ServiceVersion=20070822&OneJS=1&Operation=GetAdHtml&MarketPlace=US&source=ac&ref=qf_sp_asin_til&ad_type=product_link&tracking_id=roadhome-20&marketplace=amazon&region=US&placement=B0091HCJZ2&asins=B0091HCJZ2&linkId=565e2010756fe424067259340a7bdeb3&show_border=false&link_opens_in_new_window=true&price_color=333333&title_color=0066c0&bg_color=ffffff“>Nutter Butters – Bite Size

Sadly, the donuts aren’t available through Amazon. But, I reckon, any old-fashioned glazed donut will be delightful!

Remember, if you buy anything through our blog, it won’t cost you any extra but we’ll get a little bit of a kickback. Your support is greatly appreciated.

Reminder: You can rate and review us on iTunes even if you don’t download us through them. Your reviews and feedback on iTunes is a HUGE help to broaden our show’s reach. Thank you!

When We Become the Church

June 7, 2018
The Road Home to You

“…be of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit,
intent on one purpose.”
– Philippians 2:2

It’s never easy, is it, coming to others to ask for help?

What will they think if they know my need is this great? Will their opinion change once they know just how dark my heart and thoughts can be? Or, will they think I’m silly; wasting their time with my needs which seem so insignificant?

I’ve had these thoughts on more than one occasion. Yet, at every turn I am amazed by the response I’m met with when I take a deep breath and share my heart.

Sometimes it’s a prayer need, sometimes a thought I’ve been mulling over for days and need to talk through. Other times it’s a sin that I keep finding myself struggling with. Often it’s the critical thoughts that tend to take up residence in my head, shoving aside God’s words of truth and bring me to tears and of guilt, shame, fear and overwhelm.

Consistently though, God has met me in those places of need as I’ve turned to someone at church and bared my burden. I’m met with encouraging words, reminders of God’s promises and faithfulness, prayer and often a hug.

Likewise, I’ve been met with gratitude for my willingness to be vulnerable and broken in front of others. Because, honestly, that’s just not a thing you see all the time.

These kinds of relationships are born in and grown through fellowship in and around church.

Three years ago, our little congregation of less than 50 merged with another local small church. A majority of church merges fail. Ours has been a story of success. And in that place, I’ve gotten to know a whole new group of people; people I’d never have met otherwise.

Some are well into their grandparenting years, enjoying traveling the world. Others are just starting out, eagerly awaiting the arrival of their first baby. And there’s everyone in between. We’ve got nerds, geeks, intellectuals, blue collar, white collar, scrubs, lab coats, graduation caps, Bermuda shorts and button downs with a tie. And every single one of those people has impacted me, whether they know it or not.

You see, going to church is really good. You learn a lot about God. You sing some good songs full of good words and truths. You hear things that encourage you and maybe even challenge you.

But being the church…that’s even better.

Because then you get to rub elbows with people who are just like you and nothing like you at all. You get to see the vast array of people who God calls His own. Sometimes things get a little messy, but hopefully, as Christ stays the focus, even the messy is made clean again.

Being the church you can speak into one another’s lives. You can experience that ‘iron sharpening iron’ accountability and growth that’s talked about in Proverbs 27:17. You become invested in something that is so much bigger than yourself and it reminds you just how incredibly generous our God is.

Going to church is really good. Being the church is the best.

What about you? Do you just go to church on Sunday, letting the message slough off you as you walk out to your car, while the music fades in the background? Or do you take the church with you, presenting Christ to a broken and hurting land, recognizing that left on your own, you’d be just as broken, too?

The choice is yours.

[Photo by Ingo Joseph from Pexels]

Finding A Healthy Church

June 5, 2018
The Road Home to You

In this week’s episode, we tackle part 2: What a healthy church looks like. To kick it off, we give a brief overview of the churches we grew up in and a glance at some of the churches we’ve attended throughout our marriage. From congregations of thousands to a mere 35 or so, we’ve experienced a pretty wide range.

Listen to the full episode here

Brandy’s upbringing found her in an eclectic mix of people, with a church full of hippies and suits and ties, while Matt grew up in a rather conservative church in a conservative town.

But how do you know if the church that you’re considering attending is healthy? What are some hallmarks to look for as you consider returning to or attending church for the first time?

Join us as we talk about the importance of God’s word being honored and taught, the value of authenticity of believers and the very real need that we all have to find a place where we can serve others.

We also talk briefly about overcoming when you’ve been hurt by the church. We recognize that there are some wounds that are incredibly deep, but also encourage our listeners to seek counsel in order for those wounds to heal.

Scriptures we reference:
2 Timothy 3:16
John 1:1-5
Acts 2:42-47

Read the full transcript here

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Healing Happens at Church: A Lesson on the Importance of Corporate Worship

May 29, 2018
The Road Home to You

It had been years since I’d stepped into a church. If not literally, then certainly in my heart. I’d been apart from God for a long time, rejecting Him and His word at every turn. Living life on my terms was way more fun.

Until it wasn’t.

When my lies finally caught up with me, I could see my surroundings more clearly. I hadn’t been living large, I wasn’t in control and all my feelings of grandiosity and self-assurance were just a facade for the absolute fear I felt. Fear of being found out, fear of my own depravity, fear of who I’d become and fear of the dark and lonely pit I found myself in.

But there I was. At the threshold of a new start. Beyond those double doors was a world that I’d known and grown up in but somehow seemed foreign and frightening.

Church.

It was a new church. A big church. One where I could get lost in the crowd. I didn’t want to be seen, even by strangers. I was certain that my sin was palpable; that by merely looking at me, people would know immediately that I was among the worst of the worst. In Old Testament times, I’d be stoned to death for my sin. And though it was 2010 AD, I was pretty sure, the response I’d get from others wouldn’t be far from that Old Testament notion.

Beyond that, what would God do to me, a sinner, a harlot stepping foot onto holy ground? His holy ground. I’d never heard of anyone getting struck down by lightning for walking into a church, but it seemed possible.

With a deep breath and holding the hand of my daughter, I walked in, my husband and son by my side. No lightning. Not even the rumble of thunder in the distance. So far, so good.

My daughter, upset by the fact that we weren’t going to be returning to our old church, the only one she’d known, had been given the important job of choosing our seats. Somewhere in the back seemed good. That way, I wouldn’t have to make eye contact with anyone and we could leave the second the service was done.

Nope. My sweet baby angel decided that we needed to be front and center. And I do mean front. And center.

With a little coaxing, we managed to get her to move one row back. So now we were second front and center. Right in everybody’s line of sight. And I mean everybody.

Thousands of people come to this church every week. They had no less than 5 pastors on staff at the time, in addition to the worship pastor and the youth pastor. And there I was, with my sin oozing out of me, right where everyone could see and point and judge and either feel pity for or be repulsed by me. But my daughter wouldn’t budge. We were not moving seats when I’d already made her move to a new church.

Okay. If sitting there would make my daughter feel better about life, I’d do it. I’d just keep my head down and try not to draw attention our way.

Then the music started. Piano, guitar, the rhythm of the drums. It all came together into a beautiful melody of praise, making much of Christ and His great love for us, sinners through and through.

I don’t remember what songs we sang. I didn’t know most of them. What I do remember is the worship pastor, sitting at the piano and looking at me as he sang about a God who loves his people, who calls us His sons and daughters. He sang about God’s goodness and glory, his redemption, and grace. And it seemed to me, his eyes never left my face as the tears streamed down my cheeks.

The house lights were low, the stage lights bright. It’s entirely possible that he didn’t see me at all, but everything about that moment pierced my heart and dropped me to my knees.

I was a wretch. I was broken. I’d hurt the people I loved the most and lied to them for years. I didn’t even recognize myself anymore. But here was this man I didn’t know, singing God’s word over me, assuring me of His love and forgiveness.

And I began to heal.

Every week we returned to those same seats. Every week we sang and praised God. Every week my husband and I cried out to God asking for His grace to wash over us and to heal our brokenness and save our marriage. Every. Single. Week.

And He did.

God met us right there. He met us in song and in the teaching. He met us in the people we started to meet. He met me at the Bible studies and recovery groups I attended. He met me in the kindness of a stranger offering words of encouragement. He healed us. He restored us. He turned our ashes into garlands of praise and redeemed our days.

And it all started with a small step. It didn’t take much to get my foot over the threshold of that church, and yet, it took everything. It required that I admit that without God, I am a mess. I can’t do life apart from the Creator of life. I need Him desperately, especially when I think I don’t need Him at all. Left to my own devices I will wreck havoc on myself and everyone in my path. But with God, anything is possible.

He can even take a broken, messed up, guilt-ridden sinner like me and create something new.

Go to church, Beloved. You need it. Trust me.
-Brandy

Show Notes: Episode 5 “Why Should I Even Go to Church”

May 29, 2018
The Road Home to You

Whether you’ve been hurt by the church (or it’s people) or you simply feel like church isn’t really your ‘thing’, this is the episode for you.

Read the full transcript here

Matt and Brandy dive into many of the reasons people aren’t going to church and then talk about why it’s a good idea to be there. The goal here is not to make anyone feel guilty or shameful about not going to church. Hey…we’ve been there, too! There have been years where our church attendance was sparse at best.

So, come along and let’s talk about why it’s sometimes hard to get there on a Sunday morning and why it’s important to try.

Read Sam’s blog post here

Statistics that are listed:
* 4 out of 10 Americans have been to church in the last week.
* 59% of Millenials who grew up in a church have dropped out at some point.
* More than half of the Millennials haven’t been to church in the past 6 months.
* “Regular attenders used to be people who went to church 3 or more times a month or even several times a week. Now, people who show up once every 4 to 6 weeks consider themselves regular church attenders.”
* Three reasons Millenials cite as why they’re not going to church (split evenly): believe church is irrelevant, full of hypocrisy, sick of the moral failure of the church’s leaders.
* Of Millenials, 2 out of 10 feel that God is missing in church
* Of Millenials 1 out of 10 feel that legitimate doubt is prohibited
* Of adults that believe church is important they cite two major reasons: to be closer to God and to learn about God
* 22% go because it’s taught in the Bible
* One in 10 go to find community, despite a growing epidemic of loneliness
* Across age and denomination, 40% say they feel God elsewhere, outside of church.
* 35% say church isn’t relevant to them personally.

The following are just a few of the resources I found (and used) through the larger church we began attending. Churches have countless resources for you to address whatever needs you may have. Don’t be afraid to ask!

Study on Codependency

The Genesis Process (I’m not sure why the pricing on this is so steep. There are any number of churches that offer these Genesis groups and I highly recommend them. If you find a group through a church, I can assure you, it likely won’t cost this much!)

Anger management book

Scriptures we looked at:
1 Corinthians 12:18-27 (this is the extended version)
Proverbs 7:17
Acts 2:42-47

This is the first part of a 2-part discussion. Next week, we’ll examine what a healthy church looks like.

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Intro and Outro Music: “The Long Road Home” written by Brandy J. Goebel, arrangement by James Swanson, performed by James Page

Show Notes – Episode 4: “Communication Breakdown: Listening to Another Perspective”

May 22, 2018
The Road Home to You

We’ve all been there: in a conversation with somebody who just doesn’t get it. It’s frustrating, even exhausting when you’re not being heard, much less understood.
In today’s episode, Matt and Brandy talk about how to look at life from another person’s perspective and how that might help build bridges as we learn to employ this practical tool in our communication.

Listen to Episode 4

Other topics that creep in are abuse, racism, gun reform and presidential elections – all in the context of healthy communication.

(One caveat: Brandy mentioned a recent news story without having all the information. It appears the man was running from the police, though this doesn’t really change the point that was being made.)

Read full transcript here

email us your questions or comments
Recorded and Mixed at 4Gs Studios

A Beautiful Sacrifice

May 15, 2018
The Road Home to You

Mirriam-Webster Dictionary defines ‘sacrifice’ as,
“an act of offering to a deity something precious or
[the] destruction or surrender of something for the sake of something else.”

When Mabel met George she was just a young girl. He was nine years her senior. They met at the farm of George’s uncle in Tygh Valley, Oregon. The year was 1913.

Over the course of the next ten years, the friendship between their families grew. They worked together several times during threshing season. Mabel’s skills advanced as she labored beside her mother in the kitchen as they prepared meals for the men working the fields.

During her school years, Mabel was taught at whatever one-room schoolhouse was nearby or she’d learn under the direction of her mother. She grew to love reading and writing most. Her days of tending to pigs and cows in the field were spent reading David Copperfield and the poems of Longfellow.

(Above: Mabel, high school graduation; Maupin, Oregon; June 1924. She was the only graduating senior in her class)

And as she grew, she dreamed of what she might do one day. She was awarded a scholarship to the University of Oregon in Eugene. It would mean traveling hundreds of miles away from her family and friends. But Mabel had dreams of becoming a school teacher and looked forward to going to university. She’d already tasted a bit of what that would be like; she and a small selection of other high school seniors had been granted a trip to visit the University. She had made new friends and was looking forward to what her future held.

But then…

Isn’t that the way it always goes? Our young protagonist is bright-eyed and hopeful, the world in the palm of his or her hands, but then…. Something happens. Because something almost always does.

For Mabel, it was the realization that despite her scholarship and her parent’s hard work, sending her to college was simply not a financial burden her family could afford. But there was something else, too….

During high school, Mabel and George had reconnected. He was home from the war and working wherever he could find work. Meanwhile, she was helping at her father’s confectionary shop in the afternoons and on weekends. Smitten by Mabel’s charm and sweet smile, George spent a good many of his afternoons at the Confectionary just to spend time with her.

(Above: George Morris; circa 1917; Private 1st Class U.S. Marine Corps)

By her senior year, he was courting her. He played for the local baseball team in Maupin, Oregon and Mabel would go to his games. He took her to the dances at the Grange Hall. And when the decision finally needed to be made – college or no? When it came right down to it, Mabel didn’t want to leave George. She wanted, instead, to be his wife.

And so, in June of 1923, Mabel sacrificed one dream to fulfill another.

Sacrifice is often seen as a negative. People seem to only think of it as giving up something and they fail to recognize the other side of the coin. Yes, sacrifice does require that something is given up, but in return, you gain something more.

Sacrifice in marriage is a constant practice of giving up yourself (your desires and expectations) in order to better love your spouse. It comes in a thousand different ways. Mostly, it’s the little every day choices you make – should I make my husband’s lunch for him, while I pack my own? Or, should I clean the kitchen because I know that my wife has had a hard day and could use a few minutes alone? These are small sacrifices and yet, they do honestly require that we give something else up.

Maybe cleaning the kitchen means that you don’t get to sit down and turn on Netflix right away. Maybe packing that extra lunch means you won’t have time to stop for coffee on your way to work. Those are sacrifices.

But what are the rewards? A spouse who feels appreciated, valued, seen, considered. Is it worth it? You bet. Do you get a benefit from it? Yeah, you do. Maybe not right away and maybe not even from your spouse. But God will bless your sacrifice because if anyone understands the meaning of that words, it’s our Lord.

Luke 22:42 finds Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane praying shortly before He was arrested and crucified. As He’s praying He says, “Father, if You are willing, remove this cup from Me, yet not My will, but Yours be done.” Jesus knew what was coming. He understood that His time was very limited and He was about to enter into the greatest suffering anyone could possibly experience.

But He also knew He had a purpose that needed to be fulfilled, without which, none of us would know the grace of God and experience Him face to face. What God wanted was a perfect relationship with us, a fallen and sinful bunch of people. But who can approach a holy and blameless God? A sacrifice needed to be made. And Jesus knew that was His calling.

Listen, I cannot even fathom the sheer physical pain of what Jesus endured as he was beaten mercilessly, made to carry the cross and then nailed to it. I can’t begin to imagine the excrutiation He felt every time He tried to even take a breath, much less talk to those who needed to hear his voice one more time. But, I guarantee, the physical suffering He endured was marginal compared to the separation between He and God the Father when He took on the weight of all our sin and shame.

Jesus gave it all. He sacrificed His very life so that you and I could have a relationship with a holy God.

That sacrifice cost everything. It cost Jesus’ life. And yes, of course, He conquered death and rose three days later, but imagine the agony that He suffered as He felt His heavenly Father turn His face away from Him.

And yet, He did it. Why? What would propel Jesus to lay it all down?

You did. I did. He loved us. He wanted us to know Him the way that He knows us. And without that sacrifice, we would remain far removed.

Sacrifice is a big word. It’s a heavy word. It packs a punch. But it isn’t a bad word.

Sacrifice is wrapped up in love.

(Above: George and Mabel Morris; 1951)

Show Notes – Episode 3: Marriage Changes Everything! Is it Even Worth it?

May 15, 2018
The Road Home to You

This topic stemmed from a question on Yahoo! answers:
“Does life change after marriage…. Were you better off before gettin’ married or after? Does it change a lot? Do we need to make lots of sacrifices or compromises?
Is it worth it?”

Yahoo Answers (We don’t recommend this as a forum for sound, Biblical answers to your most pressing questions. It is, however, an interesting source of entertainment, but can be something of a time sucker, too. Proceed with caution.)

Listen to Episode 3 here

Matt and Brandy explore the pros and cons of marriage today. Topics like making sacrifices (soooo many sacrifices, folks!), having similar life paths, blessing your spouse, learning to compromise, staying committed, monogamy and how to fold shirts the right way are all coming at you. We also discover lots of other topics that we want to discuss in future episodes, such as passion versus love as well as domestic abuse.

If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship please seek help:

The National Domestic Violence Hotline
Contact the Abuse Hotline here
1-800-799-(SAFE)7233
1-855-812-1011 for deaf or hard of hearing
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

If you reach out and are ignored or dismissed, please continue to reach. Your safety and well-being are of utmost importance.

Scriptures we read: 1 Corinthians 7:8-9, verses 33-45
Intro and Outro Music: “The Long Road Home” Written by Brandy J. Goebel, Arrangement by James Swanson, Performed by James Page; copyright 2018

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Show Notes – Episode 2: Finding ‘The One’

May 8, 2018
The Road Home to You

Listen to Episode 2!

Links and Things We Mention (in order of appearance):

Forum for dealing with depression and anxiety, where our discussion stemmed from

Jerry McGuire; 1996; Starring Tom Cruise and Renee Zellweger; Written and directed by Cameron Crowe; Rated R;

Hi Fidelity; 2000; Starring John Cusack, Jack Black and Iben Hjejle; Story by Nick Hornby; Screenplay by John Cusack, Steve Pink, D.V. DeVincentis and Scott Rosenberg; Directed by Stephen Frears; Rated R

Say Anything; 1989; Starring John Cusack, Ione Skye, John Mahoney; Written and Directed by Cameron Crowe; Rated PG-13

Ecclesiastes 4:12 (NIV) “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend theselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”

Forbes article
Forbes – Top 10 Traits Women Want in A Husband (May 2010)
Written by Jenna Goudreau, Forbes Staff

10. Good financial prospect
9. Good health
8. Ambition and Industriousness
7. Pleasing disposition
6. Sociability
5. Education and Intelligence
4. Desire for home and children
3. Emotional stability and Maturity
2. Dependable character
1. Mutual attraction and Love

“The highest-rate characteristic women seek from men is mutual attraction and love. They no longer look for a man who will provide for them; they want to be in love.”

Important Traits (as we see it):
1. Mutual respect
* Informs how you argue or disagree with your spouse and seeing your spouse as a whole person
2. Being equally yoked
* 2 Corinthians 6:14 (NIV) “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?”
* Also, informs how you approach dating
* Forms a solid foundation for a relationship that will last
3. Internal qualities/ character
* Forming a solid friendship
* Physical attraction grows as the relationship grows
4. Sharing common interests (Mostly, this is a good place or way to find someone you might be compatible with. It isn’t necessary, but very helpful!)
5. Integrity
*Are you the same when we’re alone as when we’re in a crowd? Can your word be trusted?

A TV Show that you really ought to stream: (in Brandy’s opinion)

21 Jump Street; 1987-1991; Starring Johnny Depp, Peter DeLuise, Holly Robinson, Steve Williams; Created by Patrick Hasburgh and Stephen J. Cannell; 20th Century Fox Television

Scriptures:
The story of David and Michal: (We have a few corrections here.)
1 Samuel 18:17-30. The passage actually says that Michal loved David, though there is no indication that he returns the love. Saul, however was using this proposed marriage as a means to destroy David.
1 Samuel 19:11-17. Here, Michal actually saves David from her father’s hand by helping him to escape and go into hiding.
2 Samuel 6. David bringing the Ark of the Covenant into Jerusalem and Michal’s response, specifically verses 14-23.

The story of David and Abigail:
1 Samuel 2

Read the full transcript here!

Contact Us:
E-mail us!

Intro and Outro Music:
“The Long Road Home” Written by Brandy J. Goebel, Arrangement by James Swanson, Performed by James Page

Recorded and Produced at 4Gs Studios
Edited and mixed by Brandy J. Goebel

For the Love of Staying in Love

May 8, 2018
The Road Home to You

“…it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever. You and me, every day.” – The Notebook

Alright, be honest. How many of you had a list, like I did, when you were in your early teen years highlighting some of the qualities that you were looking for in the “perfect” person? Come on…I said be honest. No shame, here.

Some of the qualities that I looked for: Cute (of course), funny, smart, athletic build, liked theater, liked to read, tall but not too tall (I’m only 5′ 0″ if I round up), likes my family, drives a cool car, Christian. Cute, smart and funny were definitely the most important to me. Mind you, this is not always the type of boy I dated. There were a couple that made rocks seem pretty smart, but they were really cute, so….

Needless to say, this approach to finding Mr. Right didn’t really work too well. And yet, I somehow managed to land him. (I chalk that up to God looking out for me.) But here we are, Mr. Right and Me, approaching our 23rd year of marriage and as we reflect on what makes a relationship that can go the distance, we thought we’d share those insights with you, our friends.

In no particular order:

1. Respect

Here’s a good way to assess if the person you’re dating is going to be a jerk or not: Go to a restaurant and order something complicated. When it comes to the table let your date know that it isn’t how you ordered it. Don’t make a big deal out of it…just wait and see how they respond. If their response is, “Oh, no. Should we send it back?” and then they follow your desire, congratulations! You’ve found a nice person. If, however, they make a big deal about it, ranting about lousy service or belittling the wait staff, puffing their chest out or making bold declarations about customer service, excuse yourself to the restroom and “peace out.” Call a friend or an Uber and treat yourself to a pint of Ben and Jerry’s – you just survived a monster.

Seriously, respect is kind of a big deal. If you have a partner who calls you names or makes threats of separation or self-harm every time there is conflict, you’re in for a lifetime of pain and suffering. I’m not being dramatic. Your needs and desires, your values and feelings are important and deserve to be respected. It is possible to disagree with someone and still show respect.

2. Be Equally Yoked

Yup…I said it. I hated this concept when I was a dating person. I thought it was dumb. I just wanted to have fun. Guess what? If you’re trying to live a Christian life and your partner isn’t, it isn’t very fun at all. It’s really pretty hard.

You see, the way you see God informs everything you do. If your world-view doesn’t include God as a major player, your approach to sexual temptation, finances, even having children may be very different. It’s not always something that you see in those early dating days, but when those conflicts arise (as they are prone to do in a marriage), the differences you have in your approach to the world will become apparent and could potentially put a serious wedge between you and your spouse.

Nip it in the bud from the start – marry someone who’s faith you share.

3. Be friends

Life is hard, right? I think we can all agree on that. And isn’t it also true that when you’re going through a bad time in life, it’s just easier when you have a friend by your side? The world just seems a little bit safer when you have a friend to share it with.

Now, I know it’s easy to assume that if you marry someone you must be friends with them. That’s not necessarily true. Haven’t we all seen that couple at the restaurant that doesn’t even look at each other over the course of a full meal, much less talk?

Admittedly, it’s possible they are in the midst of a crisis which may well inhibit a jovial conversation, but I think more often than not, it’s just a couple that lost touch with each other along the way.

Stay connected. Engage in dialogue. Share your hopes and fears, your regrets and victories. Celebrate the little milestones. Pray for and with each other.

Your friendship may well be the one thing that keeps you married when everything else comes crashing down. It was for us, anyway.

4. Share Common Interests

This relates to being friends. Go do fun things together. Hike, watch movies, go to the museum, race cars, play in a band. Whatever floats your boat…. The point is, sharing common interests keeps us engaged with each other.

That being said, I think it’s equally important to have things that you can do apart from each other. Your partner or spouse can’t be expected to fill your every need for companionship, but having a few things that you enjoy together can keep your relationship grounded when it feels like the world is trying to tear you apart.

This is also a great way to meet your future Mr. or Mrs. if you’re currently dating. I found my true love doing high school theater. You never know where they may be, but if you meet while doing something you both enjoy, it’s a really great start to building a beautiful friendship.

5. Have Integrity

Here’s a chance to do some honest self-reflection: Are you the same at church as you are at work? Does your behavior and words in the ‘real world’ match what people see any given Sunday? Is your word reliable? Can you be trusted to do what you say will?

Let me put this out there – this is a hard one for me. As a kid I learned early on how to adapt to any environment in order to fit in. This worked great for me socially, but it wrecked me personally because I lost my internal compass that kept me pointed toward the God I loved. I’ve had to learn the hard way what integrity does and does not look like.

Here’s the thing, if you can be trusted to be the same person in a crowd of thousands as you are for an audience of one, that’s integrity. It builds trust. It inspires honesty. It grows love.

That’s it.
Those are the five qualities that every strong, go-the-distance marriage I personally know has. There might be others. There are certainly other characteristics that will be beneficial, but as Matt and I talked about in this episode, these are really the main ones. It’s no guarantee that it will all be smooth sailing, but I honestly believe that if you start with this foundation, the life you build will indeed stand the test of time.

God bless!
– Brandy

P.S. The photo is of my great grandmother and great grandfather, Mabel and George Morris. They were married in 1924 and remained so until 1957 when George died. They had three children, Norma Jean, Lila Lee (my grandmother), and Bill. They loved going dancing, baseball and spending time with family.