In this week’s episode, Matt and I cover 8 common communication barriers that most couples encounter and then explore 7 ways to overcome them.
Because let’s face it: sometimes communication can be difficult. Between the busy-ness of everyday life to major stressors that are bound to occur, it’s not always easy talking to the person who’s going through life by our side.
Eight Common Barriers in Communication:
While these lists are, by no means, exhaustive, they definitely cover some of the major topics that we’ve either seen, experienced or heard other people talk about.
Physical and Mental Health Issues
Changes in Sexual Relationship
Changing Hobbies and Interests
Loss and Grief
Seven Practical Ways to Overcome Communication Barriers:
Scheduling time for both fun and difficult conversations to take place
In the middle of a crisis, put everything else on hold
Keep a Captain’s Log
Take time to really listen
Honor and respect one another’s vulnerability
Own your own issues
Avoid passive-aggressive behavior
To hear how these ideas are fleshed out, tune into this week’s episode.
The day that half the population runs from and the other half hopes will make their dreams come true. It’s a day wrought with expectation and disappointment.
All in an effort to say, “I love you.”
So what do you do when you’re the half of humanity that dreads this day more than the thought of a colonoscopy? Likewise, what do you do when you’re the other half that simply wants to know that you are loved above all others?
Join Matt and me, as we discuss some of our past Valentine’s day mishaps and what we’ve learned in 20-plus years that has helped us to love and honor one another despite our vast differences in approach to this holiday.
[Notice: This post does not appear in the same order as the release of the episode it goes with. Apparently, I forgot to attach this post. My apologies for any confusion. Also, the sound quality of this episode reflects how far we’ve come. – BJG]
With February right around the corner, it only makes sense to talk about football. Oops. I mean…love. Let’s talk about love, instead.
Specifically, how in the world do you know if you’ve finally found “The One”?
I mean sure, every time they walk into the room you feel your heart race and your face melt, but maybe that’s just the Taco Bell you ate for lunch.
And what if you decided that you DID find The One, but then four years into the marriage, you start to question your own judgment? They used to be The One, but are they still?
Let’s face it: love is weird.
Join us as for a Flashback to our second ever episode where we talk about what makes someone THE one. Coming from well over 20 years of being together through the highs and lows, we have some ideas that might help you decide if you’re ready to make the commitment of a lifetime or re-dedicate yourself to the commitment you already made.
The two of us sat across the dining room table from one another, working on a jigsaw puzzle of a tiger lurking in the trees. Our voices were calm. We even laughed a little bit as we shared memories of our dating years and talked about where our relationship was currently: broken and on the edge of divorce.
We were less than 3 years into our marriage.
High school sweethearts, we’d met through our drama department our Junior year when Matt’s family relocated to our little town. We’d noticed each other immediately. His shaggy, bleach blond hair and dimpled cheeks shone like a beacon home for me.
It wasn’t until a year later that we’d begun dating and then, only after our friends Jimmy and Joy forced us to have a face-to-face conversation about how we liked each other instead of simply telling everyone else. It proved to be an off-again-on-again kind of relationship for a few years, but once we decided that we meant it when we said, ‘I love you,’ it stuck and wedding preparations were soon underway.
On June 24, 1995, before friends, family, God and one homeless lady who joined the festivities, we gave our vows and celebrated the start of our lives together. We danced, we toasted, we tossed the bouquet and garter. A week later, we loaded all my earthly possessions into the bed of a truck and the trailer we towed behind and drove the 12 hours to our first home together in Ogden, Utah.
(Matt and I, exhausted from all the photos we took after the ceremony.
June 24, 1995. Welches, Oregon)
Pulling in well after dark, it was hard for me to really see what our new town looked like, but walking through the door of our little house-turned-tri-plex, I was overjoyed. It had great charm and it was OURS! Unpacking and decorating was a thrill. As a kid, I’d only ever lived in three homes and two of those were before I was 5, so I’d never known what it was like to actually move. It felt a little bit like playing house.
Our first 2 years in Ogden were full of college for Matt and work for me. We had little to no money but learned how to make the most of instant mashed potatoes, Kool-Aid, and pancakes. When time allowed, we’d pack a picnic basket and head to a local park. When time was tight or the weather didn’t cooperate, picnics happened on our living room floor. By working at the college’s theater, which also had touring companies coming through, we had the opportunity to see and be a part of some wonderful shows and performances, including Ballet West, Christopher Parkening, and Sundance Film Festival.
(Me and Matt hiking in Ogden, Utah. circa 1996.)
It all seemed pretty good. We had our friends, we had our little nest. We had each other.
But lurking underneath was a dissatisfaction growing inside me.
Growing up, what I wanted most in life was to be a wife and mom. Here I was, on the path. Step 1: Get Married. Check. Step 2: Have babies. Not happening.
I’d wanted to get pregnant from the beginning. Matt wanted to wait until he was done with school. Tension was growing, while my belly was not. Health issues from earlier had me worried that fertility might be a problem. Meanwhile, I was seeing people everywhere both getting pregnant and also having abortions. It was heart-wrenching.
Then my world came crashing down in the most unexpected way. My dad, at the age of 48, died of a massive heart attack. He’d been my rock. We shared a love of oldies music, fly fishing and ‘puttering’. And suddenly, in the blink of an eye, everything changed.
(Me and my dad painting the trailer that carried all my belongings to
my new home and life with Matt. 1995)
The week or so that followed is a blur. Matt and I went back to Oregon, we buried and memorialized my dad. My mom, brother and I sat silently together, numb and unsure. Eventually, though, the regular flow of life had to return to normal. Matt returned to Utah, where he was chin-deep in school and work. I stayed behind with my mom, unwilling to leave her side.
Life was untethered and I didn’t know how we were going to survive.
When I finally returned to Utah – I’m not even sure how long I’d been gone – I was restless and anxious. I jumped everytime the phone rang. I couldn’t concentrate. I hated to hear about anyone else’s struggles or problems because it all seemed so petty. I lost any compassion I’d had. And I was angry at Matt.
He hadn’t ‘performed’ the way I wanted him to in the wake of my dad’s death. He shed few tears and in my mind, felt distant and emotionally unavailable. What I then saw as a character flaw, I now know to be a strength. Even though I wanted Matt to mourn with me, what I needed most was for him to be strong and hold me up. He did both. But he did them quietly. I was too lost in my own chaos to even recognize what was happening around me.
Within a few months, I got pregnant and soon thereafter, miscarried.
I was at a complete loss. I didn’t want to be in Utah anymore. I wanted to be with my family and friends back home. I wanted my dad and my baby and I wanted my husband to do more than he was capable of doing for me.
So there we sat. A jigsaw puzzle between us. One thousand pieces of a perfectly destroyed image. And it was our task to put those pieces together, to recreate the picture on the front of the box, the picture that looked so seamless and perfect.
We worked for hours and as we worked, we talked. We reminisced about the day we first met. We laughed about our awkward beginning. We recalled our first kiss and so many kisses after. We talked about our fears and our hurts, our disappointments. We talked at length about the possibility of divorce.
As we talked, the pieces in our fingers began to come together. The edges were formed and soon, the inside picture grew, little by little.
We talked about how much we’d grown up with each other in the 10 years since we’d met. How we’d shared so much of ourselves with each other that we’d never shared with anyone else. We’d already invested so much of ourselves into one another, the thought of having to start over with someone else seemed daunting, at best. After all, despite the struggles we’d endured, we were best friends. We loved each other.
We always would.
Before we knew it, the final piece of the puzzle was set in place revealing not a seamless image, but a complete image. Where the pieces had been cut, there were crevasses as they joined together. It wasn’t smooth as a photograph. But it was whole. And together. What sat between us was a picture, not of a tiger stalking its prey, but a picture of how two separate people with their own brokenness can come together and form a beautiful union.
This topic stemmed from a question on Yahoo! answers: “Does life change after marriage…. Were you better off before gettin’ married or after? Does it change a lot? Do we need to make lots of sacrifices or compromises? Is it worth it?”
Yahoo Answers (We don’t recommend this as a forum for sound, Biblical answers to your most pressing questions. It is, however, an interesting source of entertainment, but can be something of a time sucker, too. Proceed with caution.)
Matt and Brandy explore the pros and cons of marriage today. Topics like making sacrifices (soooo many sacrifices, folks!), having similar life paths, blessing your spouse, learning to compromise, staying committed, monogamy and how to fold shirts the right way are all coming at you. We also discover lots of other topics that we want to discuss in future episodes, such as passion versus love as well as domestic abuse.
If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship please seek help:
The National Domestic Violence Hotline Contact the Abuse Hotline here 1-800-799-(SAFE)7233
1-855-812-1011 for deaf or hard of hearing
If you reach out and are ignored or dismissed, please continue to reach. Your safety and well-being are of utmost importance.
Scriptures we read: 1 Corinthians 7:8-9, verses 33-45 Intro and Outro Music: “The Long Road Home” Written by Brandy J. Goebel, Arrangement by James Swanson, Performed by James Page; copyright 2018