parenthood | The Road Home to You

At a time when there is so much to say about women’s empowerment and what it means, all I can think of is the message I want my own daughter to take into the world with her when she leaves the safety of this nest. I hope it resonates with you, too. Feel free to share it if it does.

Dear Sweet Girl,

I wanted to take a moment to tell you something: You are valuable.

I know, I say that a lot. But here’s the thing: you’re soon going to be out in the world on your own and I won’t be there to buffer you from the messages that it will send to you, which will likely be very different.

The world will tell you that sex sells, that in order to climb the ladder, get ahead, reach your pinnacle of success, you must compromise your standards and use your sexuality to help you advance.

I say to you, you have been created with a brain that is beautiful and bright and full of curiosity and good thinking skills. You are creative and smart. You are able to problem-solve and research ideas and work with others to bring together something that is good and beneficial. You have deep and profound thoughts that sometimes blow my socks off because, at 17, you are so much smarter than I was.

The world will tell you that sex is the most important aspect of a relationship, that if you want to know your compatibility with a person you must give up the one thing that you can only give away once, your virginity.

I say to you that sex…is amazing. And scary. And sometimes, heartbreaking. The act of sex is about so much more than two naked bodies. Sex is intimacy at it’s deepest. It is giving your whole self to another person – your mind, your heart, and your body. It is a connection that will leave you inextricably connected with whoever you partner with for as long as you live. You don’t need to have great sex in order to have a good relationship. You need to have a great relationship that can withstand even the difficult times in your sex life, because those times will come, no matter who you are or who you’re with.

The world will tell you that you are too young, too small, too insignificant to listen to. Or that you are too much – too loud, too bossy, too emotional.

I say you are just right. You have been created by God for a purpose and He has given you talents and gifts and passions to fulfill that purpose. There will be roadblocks along the way, but you can overcome. Because your youth has fire in its belly. Your size gives you swiftness and grace to adapt. Your words carry compassion and empathy and wisdom. Your volume is needed in a world that wants to close its ears to the plight of so many who have no voice. Your ability to lead and point others toward their gifts is a strength, not bossiness. And those feelings…those deep, deep feelings, when you hurt for those who hurt and you celebrate the victories of others, those are a reflection of Jesus.

The world will do it’s best to box you in. To say that as a woman, your value is found between your legs and in your willingness to compromise what you believe and know to be true about who you are and Whose you are.

I say, don’t ever forget, my sweet child that you are a masterpiece, created by God. You are the apple of His eye. He rejoices over you with singing and dancing because His love for you knows no depths. There is no end to His affection for you.

I wish that I could protect you from all that life will throw at you. There will be great loss and sadness in your life. There will be days you think you can’t breathe, much less get out of bed. There will be times when it feels like everything and everyone is doing it’s best to crush you. Know this, my girl, in the words of author Kathryn Stockett, “You is kind. You is smart. You is important.” And none of that is to be taken lightly.

Go bravely into the world. Be the empowered woman that you are.

“Even in laughter the heart may be in pain.
And the end of joy may be grief.”
– Proverbs 14:13

Life is short, isn’t it?

Some days may slog on for eternity, but really, if you look back over your life, it’s gone pretty quickly. I remember when Prince was proclaiming we’re going to party like it’s 1999. And honestly, it just doesn’t seem that long ago.

But the fact is, our time here is brief. Maybe even briefer than we know.

In the past year, I have become acquainted with three separate families who have all had a child who’s been seriously injured in horrendous car accidents. These are good, Christian families with good, Christian kids. They weren’t drinking and driving. They weren’t doing anything “bad.” They were just at the wrong place, at the wrong time and life suddenly and irrevocably changed.

These young, bright, vivacious, healthy and active young people on the cusp of becoming independent have been brought to a place where they are fighting to relearn what they used to take for granted. And their parents are right there beside them, learning just how insignificant their efforts to protect their children have been.

I have watched these stories unfold as moms and dads are sharing the victories and the pain as they watch their children fight to live and then relearn how to walk. I hear their sorrow as they recall the bittersweet memories of their child on the basketball court, running and jumping with elegance and grace.

These are parents that never expected to be sitting up all night in their child’s hospital room, nurses and doctors speaking in hushed voices as the machines that are pumping life into their child hum and whir. They’re parents who, when their baby was taking their first uncertain steps, clinging to the coffee table, were making plans and sharing dreams about what their little lives would hold. They never imagined this is where they’d be 16 years later. Wondering, will my baby even live?

I spent yesterday in town running errands. Sometimes I really appreciate the time to do these simple chores on my own. I turn on a podcast or music, I pray, I people watch. It’s nice to have the time to just think.

But yesterday, my son, Evan wanted to join me. He’s 18, getting ready to venture out into life on his own before long and I was happy to have him by my side yesterday, not because I asked him for help, but because he just wanted to tag along. I figure I might as well take advantage of those moments while I can because they’re coming to an end.

We spent several hours in town, first in a local big-box store then on to get groceries. It truly wasn’t a remarkable trip except for this: the laughter that we shared.

We laughed so hard in Costco, as we sat stuck in an oversized lounge chair, sure that an employee was going to come and tell us to kindly remove ourselves from the store and never come back. We annoyed other customers who also wanted to take a seat in this, the comfiest of chairs, but we simply refused to move. We were having too much fun.

We laughed about everything. We talked about nothing. We shared a moment. That’s all it was.

My to-do list for the week is a mile long and seems to be growing by the hour. There was a part of me yesterday that really wanted to just blast through the errands and then move on to the work that’s piling up on my desk.

But then I remembered these parents whose lives are forever changed because they almost lost their child to a tragic event. And I remembered those parents I know whose children don’t even have the opportunity to relearn what once came so easily because their kids are gone. They don’t get to hear their voice or hug them close ever again.

And I embraced the moment to spend a few hours with this man-child of mine, who’s taller and stronger than me, but whom I will always and forever see as the little toddler just learning how to step out on his own. I cherished our time together to be silly, to laugh hard, to make memories and create inside jokes.

We don’t know what tomorrow or even the rest of today holds. We don’t know when our time is up when God will say, “It’s time to come home,” so we have to make the moments count.

Every chance, every day…. Be present. Say, “I love you.” Hug them hard.

Grief and pain are guaranteed. They may even be just around the corner. So hang on to the present and give thanks to the God who loves us in and through every storm life brings our way.

With love,
Brandy